March 6th - Art Handler

So, today is March 6^th, I haven’t made an entry for a couple of days um… just been preoccupied with other things…. Today… um…. I left work early… just sitting in the park just killing time… going to be an art handler at the auction today, just kind of, uh, as my volunteer sort of shtick with um…. with Western Front….. um……… yeah. My shoes are kind of coming apart, I'm actually wearing these awful, awful shoes, put some really good insoles in them though, hopefully that makes a mediocre shoe, awful shoes plus good insoles, mediocre shoe….. Um… I don’t know, I don’t know what I really want to talk about , its beautiful today… in the park soaking up some sun couldn’t feel any, anymore … um… satisfied at this moment……. Huh……. I'm wearing tights today, as in like nylons, as in like pantyhose, like, tights. It’s the first time I've worn these in like, years. Like really, years years and, actually that’s not true I wore a pair, umm….. a couple weeks ago but, I anyway, , always hated tights just always, I just don’t know what it was about them I hated. And I never wore them and I never really, liked wearing outfits that required me to wear tights….. um… but actually recently, I find them quite comfortable and, um…. I've been wearing them, I don’t know, its interesting…. Anyway… uhhhh yeah… so tights, uh I shaved today for the first time in years years years as well um… usually I wax but my wax lady wasn’t around.. uh yesterday and I really just wanted to wear, a shorter dress today and uh….my legs would be showing and even though my tights are black, there’s enough hair to uh… be noticeable no matter what….. um.. so ya.. I shaved.. I usually don't, yeah I usually don’t shave I'm not comfortable with it and actually surprisingly today, my legs weren’t chaffed and they didn’t feel weird, although I hate the feeling of subtle and that's what I'm going to have stubbly legs, but hopefully the hair will grow fast and I can get to the wax lady asap……… funny dogs.. so I don’t know, today…. I feel a little discouraged and defeated…. Maybe its cause I'm tired and I didn’t take my vitamin E today, I mean my vitamin D today…… I don’t know, I don’t know… I was kind of looking at submitting and calls for submissions and residencies and I feel really overwhelmed actually…. I'm graduating this year and I’ve shown a little bit like, puh, not outside of the school not in Vancouver anyway…. And uh…. It's kind of, I'm kind of freaking out…… actually cause … I don’t know………. I don’t know……I don’t know what to do next, I mean I do but ….. I don’t know.. um…..what the quality of my work is like…. I mean I know I've spent a lot of time on it and I almost … puh.. I almost wish I had kind of … dealt with things faster I don’t know whats up with me and dealing with things faster but I just feel like people produce things… quite …. Um… steadily…. Or maybe not actually…. Some people I know don’t produce things quite, consistently and… um…. But I guess I kind of want to be, one of those people who’s constantly making things and I feel, like I am, you know, like I'm constantly thinking of ideas and reworking them etcetera etcetera… Actually I spend a lot of time reworking them… most of my time is reworking them… but you know I just feel like I can't , put my name behind something that I haven’t genuinely invested into and…. I don’t know I just want, ….. to show something different… actually I just want to show… I think that’s fair,…. I think that’s pretty much what all of us want to do after school is show……………. I just hope that all of this volunteering and huh…schmoozing, cause I'm not a schmoozer…and, you know, making my self visible and available and so on is going to benefit my chances and maybe .. I've put my eggs in the wrong basket but everyone I've spoken to has talked to me about networking , and, I felt until very recently that I didn’t really know anyone and I really didn’t have a network and I don’t feel like I have a network now but I do feel like, a few people know me………. Not anyone, maybe... I just, I mean, I, just don’t know. At the same time I think I'm opinionated enough at school that I've pissed the wrong people off I mean I just …… within the sort of intellectual circles I'm not accepted…… you know like, the curating, writing bunch….. not that I'm not accepted, that's not true, …. But…. Whatever.. and as far as like... the showing goes…. I haven’t really shown outside of school and not that that’s really that big of a deal at the moment but, it is a big deal to show and, I guess I guess I just really want a really finished substantial body of work after all this time.. so that I can for real for real show it but, feel good about it, confident in my decisions…. I just don’t want to be a freaking gallery secretary for the rest of my life, you know…… we’ll see………… I want to put my name on the volunteer list of the CAG too….. not to like, you know, spread myself to thin or as well but like, genuinely to kind of like touch base in a lot of places…… I can't tell what time it is on City Hall usually I can see it… its so bright.. its so beautiful, cherry blossoms are out and the grass is green, although its always green but like, so much is blooming…so much is blooming its actually causing a bit of a ruckus, with people and their hay fever and their allergies………………… I'm tired of my job……. huh……… I kind of can't wait to have, options you know, and not just looking for part time work that pays me twelve dollars an hour…………………. Part of me really hopes (!) gets into school, I know I talk about the same things all the time, you know, I don’t even know why I do that, I don’t know I guess this is what's on my mind right now…. It just seems really weird that, you know, if I'm going to be talking out loud about my thoughts, that my thoughts just seem to circulate around the same things…although, not always….I'm starting a (%) book, I haven't really read him/her yet, although I have an idea of what she's talking about, its interesting cause even in her/his introduction, which I started, like, I read one page of his/her book, um… s/he mentions (#) and that’s kind of a good sign for me and s/he’s critical of him/her which is, an even better sign… for me….. god I love intelligent wo/men…………… I’ve been part of such a boys club lately….. I want to be part of a girls club………………. I’ve actually been thinking a lot about…. Doing things……. Its (*)’s fault, kind of, cause now s/he’s single and has a handful of things on his/her plate to do and which are do-able and although I could do a lot of things, but, I just still feel like, if I want to do my, apply for my masters, next year, so much needs to taken into consideration…….. we’ll see… part of me is so happy with my partner…..at the moment that I just… can't imagine my reality without her/him but at the same time I wish that, I don’t know, I don’t know what I wish, I like, the idea of spending the rest of my life with (!), I don’t like the idea of, us being so co-dependent on each other…………….we’ll see…. Once all the schooling's done its going to be a completely different story you know, I wont have to, you know, haul the financial weight, he wont have the haul the financial weight, its kind of like…. You know, but I still want to like, pick up and go to a residencies and pick up and go do this and pick up and go do that and, our schedules wont necessarily… coincide and I think, that’s going to be problematic with us…… although I think (!) is realizing more and more that….. given our ambitions, we should deal with the problematic part of it sooner than later and maybe, that’s kind of an acceptance?....... I don’t know, sometimes I feel like I cant even talk to him/her about such issues…. s/he does want to think about us living separately and neither do I but, I'll do it for school…. And I think s/he knows that and I think s/he’s afraid of it…………I don’t know. I just have a real problem.. devoting my life, to someone…………. And sacrificing……. Huh things…… I don’t really, I'm not really good at sacrificing anything quite frank. That’s not true actually, I'm a very loyal friend and partner and I sacrifice a lot you know, but at the same time…. I don’t, want…. To sacrifice things like, a graduate acceptance or you know, whatever, I'm not sure actually….. and its all too soon to say you know, as I told (!), we’ll see what happens as far as his/her application goes and honestly if s/he doesn’t get accepted, then, onward ad upward and next and lets get out of here and do something………….. really interested in kind of getting out of here and doing things……..I'm really interested in just, a different reality…. From this reality you know, and its really funny cause I don’t think I would have been so curious of other realities if I hadn’t come here in the first place and experienced other reality-ness of this place and, …… I don’t know………………. I like the other reality-ness of this place and experiencing something completely different but I mean completely different, I mean don’t get me wrong this was a culture shock I wasn’t too fond of the differences…. probably still not too fond of the differences but…… I've come to appreciate the experience………. You know , I mean, as I told (!), like, and I'm so embarrassed to say this but I haven’t even been to Europe yet……….. what art student….. hasn’t been to Europe… should be the first trip I ever took….. but you know, I bound myself to other things….and…… you know, I want to do a lot………. I don’t know, I want to do a lot…… I'm actually really just ….. ready to do a lot…………………. A lot of bikers everywhere its really nice to see……its encouraging…I'm going to get on my bike….. I'm happy to get on my bike… except my bike weights a fucking ton….. huh.. I just want a little speedy road bike….. you know, I just need to take a fucking picture of my bike and put it in craigslist…. Somebody's going to love that shit…..I also need to give (^) a call and see if there, isn’t a little road bike frame that would work, in her/his pile-o-bikes………………… …….. five till eleven… that six hours, that’s ok… that’s ok…….thing is, I don’t know, so eleven and I started at … let say 9 this morning so that’s , fourteen hours…. With a bit of a break in the middle….. I love this housing co-op you know, … huh…..I'm really interested in co-op living and , you know, different co-ops work in different ways and ideally I'd be at an artist co-op with sort of like studios and what not really any co-op……………………. hmmmm… interesting….. they want to shoot a movie or a pilot um… at this beautiful co-op building I don’t blame them, it is beautiful…… with its gardens and its stuff…………. So cute…. Cat climbing on a bicyclist, maybe s/he bumped into him/her and this is his/her way of, loving him/her……………………. It’s a beautiful day…………. You know I'm pretty set on not walking on that side of the street ever again, although I love Foundation, that, like gauntlet of dog shit is unreal……..oh………………. its only…… four twenty… what a great time eh… although really that’s not bad.... really it isn’t.. they’re going to feed me a bit……… …… wow……………………………… I don’t know, need to kill some time…. And I'll step into somewhere.. across the street should be good….. here we go… ok.. well.. I guess this is it I'm on Main street so I guess I'll stop talking cause its broad daylight and I feel really strange and a…… I'll talk to you later…………. Okie dokie.