March 2nd - Brain Drain

So I'm on my walk home, this is March 2^nd …. Um....my feet are feeling great, I’ve been wearing sneakers , though, so, feeling old and granny like but, my feet feel great and that’s all that really matters at this point, um. Spent a bit of time at school today, most of my time was spent with… (*) , s/he needed a friend, that’s what friends are for. S/he’s a lovely human being, I don’t know, I love him/her. Just think s/he’s going through a rough time….. I love the smell of skunk, it reminds me of pot…… I wonder if the seawall’s open. You know, I was never one for stream of consciousness writing, I could never do that , I don’t feel I ever sound great when I… just write things down, in fact, most of the time I sound, I feel like I, even say ridiculous things but I think more about what I’m going to say then, um, what I’m going to write down and even then still I feel like most of the time I sound ridiculous…um…yeah…it’s interesting…it’s interesting… (*) and (<) are going through their own shit, I didn’t think, that it was like that. I don’t think they thought it was like that but its like that, and, that’s really interesting, I don’t know… I don’t know…I feel for him/her, I know what s/he’s feeling, I’ve been there, I remember how miserable it was. To encourage her to be with somebody s/he doesn’t want to be with, I just feel like, s/he needs his/her own time too and I feel s/he very aware of that so I think that that’s not that big of a problem, so.... S/he’s a level-headed individual, I like him/her a lot. S/he reminds me of my mom a lot, actually…………… The seawall, the seawall, I’m actually most uncomfortable walking along the seawall, ‘cause, people here walk, they hang around, they’re going slow enough to hear that I’m doing stuff that, you know. The side streets, there’s no one there, and the main streets its too loud for them to hear, and quite frank a lot of people talk to themselves….., so……. I have a recorder in my hand… and…. I wonder what people think though…I don’t know……………I don’t have much to say today, I feel brain drained to be quite frank , you know, even when I’m not going through the emotional shit , to watch a friend go through it, to be the shoulder while their going through this is quite… difficult in itself, its exhausting. Can’t imagine what it feels like for him/her, I mean I can, but you know, it’s just rough… Just brings me back to those days with my ex an how miserable I was, and how insecure I was, and how… much I loved him/her and hated her/him, all at the same time. Geez. And honestly I’m so glad we broke up, I’m so glad we didn’t conti…. I didn’t continue my life in that, fashion. Caught in something that was, horrendous. It’s so strange, you know, because everyone really liked him/her, everyone really like her/him, I remember my dad’s cousin. S/he told me that I would regret it, that I had a great thing and that I would regret giving it up. And it was like, you want it, you have that. But I can’t. I can’t live with it, it’s just too difficult. Its just to stressful, its just to confined, and…, assaulting on all my senses…I remember what it feels like to not feel like you have, permission to do things and to think that you have to have permission in the first place is annoying enough, and so damn…. Just takes me kind of back, a long ways actually and it was only three and a half years, that we were together, these guys have been together …. years… and… this is where we’re at, this is where s/he, they’re at. Its kind of…. It’s hard… I can’t imagine breaking up with (!)…… I can’t imagine it…………… It just been so much time… so much a part of my, like, reality…my norm………. Seven years is like a quarter of my life time… weird.............................................. This city is so nice and quiet….the hustle and bustle is over and not that I like a quite city, you know, I like a good time but…………. this city just doesn’t know how to have a god time…this city is caught up in anxiety…. and everybody and their grandma does yoga here and still the whole city is fucking anxious…I don’t know, its just too bazaar. I can’t handle that it’s just too much for me……………………………… God I’m so glad I’m walking , I felt like….., I mean….., yeah I felt disabled, I was going to say I felt like a cripple but, I don’t want to say things like that, I felt disabled. I felt confined… and honestly if I have crutches or something id feel better, about moving around with crutches although they’re awful, but having to sit at home, or at work, or whatever but confined to a space, that….. I realize that movement is really important to me… Flux, change, whatever the hell you want to call it but, stillness is not in my nature… maybe that’s why I’m with (!) its because stillness is in his/her nature. Not stillness in, you know a lack of movement kind of way, but… not even stillness but, like, calmness not the vigor, I don’t know, if (!) was still if s/he didn’t do much, that would drive me fucking bonkers, I would not be able to be with (!). I like the fact that s/he’s constantly moving, I like the fact that we’re constantly moving. You know its been a, almost a year and a half we’ve been in our apartment and we’re already talking about moving, and, I like that, I like talking a bout moving it actually really excites me…………..you know, when (*) tells me that s/he’s confined… that’s my biggest fear in a relationship, even with (!), even with somebody as cool as (!). I feel like, I can’t go and do my masters, while s/he’s here doing his/her bachelors, I feel like, I can’t go necessarily to certain residencies and certain things done, but I feel like… he understands that…….. not allowing for it, or making it difficult for it to happen, um…. Is not going to work to his benefit…… I think he realizes that… I don’t know if he does… I don’t know if, and honestly to see (*) and his/her partner going through what they are going through makes me wonder if I need to talk to him about these things…. If I need to sort my own shit out and see where we stand……. S/he’s incredible, no matter what I love him/her. Even though right now things are a little strange … and just physically… I don’t know what’s going on with us physically. We used to, we have been really in tune with each other, we’ve also been really out of tune with each other but, you know, for the most part its been good, and its not like we are fighting or arguing or whatever. I just feel like sometimes, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves, and part of it has to do with the fact that we’ve had problems before but there’s so much….. I don’t know, I don’t know, part of it has to do with me too, it really does….. It s 50/50 but I don’t know what to do either………. I smell incense, I love incense….I’m talking a little quieter today, yesterday I was barking, down the street, same street…. Well…one street down actually. I don’t know how I feel about this daily practice, I just really couldn’t think of anything else, but then when I mentioned it to (*) s/he said that…. That my projects were really moving along, I don’t know….. Sorry I’m just chewing my lip………………….. I um……… spoken to my mom a bit too, I love my mother s/he’s…..I think we’ve had this conversation before, she’s a little nuts but, I love him/her. I think s/he’s amazing, amazing wo/man, amazing human being…. It’s pretty fantastic…I had conversations with dad too……..dad…..dad………you know dad’s lonely, like (@). It’s so weird how with those two, mom and I and ({) it’s like the same relationship, with them, so strange, their like, exactly the same or something, I don’t know I love them though…. I know dad misses me…… I think this has been really good for him actually, he thought moving out was really good for me, but I think it was just as good for him, I think ….. we really…. Huh… had come to respect each other and now the appreciation is a million fold because we’re not in close vicinity……… but I think, um….. I feel like he admires me and I admire him……..I love my dad…………… I’ve been so focused on men lately… its interesting, you know what’s absolutely amazing is that I can talk to my partner about being attracted to other people, or um…. Being interested in … you know, um….. sort of, uh… I don’t know, just kind of like, finding other people interesting, having a crush on so-and-so, whatever and s/he’s really come to.. I mean at one point s/he was really self conscious and s/he thought that this meant that I would leave him/her or something , but, um…. s/he’s really, actually amazing in that s/he’s not self conscious of it at all….. um…… and doesn’t see it, although part of me… feels like this whole sex thing started when I asked for group sex…. And……. I don’t know, how I feel about that…. I don’t know, s/he didn’t say no… s/he didn’t freak out….s/he didn’t, you know, I just hope s/he doesn’t feel like…. I want to replace her/him, cause that’s not the case at all…. Or that, somebody else is going to satisfy me…………. ‘Cause that’s not the case either, quite frank, he does satisfy me, I just really want to… enjoy …. Huh……I really want to enjoy an exploratory …… sex life… and that’s cause, that’s just who I am…….. I’m exploratory, I have…a… really charged sexuality, I ….. I don’t know…..I just…. That’s who I am…..so many people are intimidated by that but like, what the fuck, like does it really matter, I think, I think I hope…. That he knows that it has nothing to do with his inadequacy ………………but I’m pretty happy with her/him…. I think I’m always going to have doubts, I think part of me feels like there isn’t a single person out there that I’m not going to have doubts, but I don’t doubt is how incredible (!) is…. And what I don’t doubt is how much s/he loves me… and what I don’t doubt is the fact that s/he….. has done everything to prove, his/her devotion to me and… I ….. that makes me feel incredible… and secure… and………….yeah…… I think the sex could be spiced up though……but….. I feel like… sometimes I do all the work….. you know, although, I don’t know we’ve had incredible sex in the past…. Maybe this is just recent, maybe it’s the universe and just what’s going on lately and, I don’t know… I don’t know what it is…… 50% of it is me though……….. Its interesting watching these relationships. I remember I did not like (#) very much when I first met him/her and now (*) and him/her are breaking up………………………………………………………………… (<) and (*) eh?....... hoo………… I’m not surprised, I knew that… they would like each other, why does this always happen?............. I don’t know why (&) was giving the construction guy a hard time…. s/he’s really kind of alpha-fe/male it over there, never seen her/him do that before…….. Its interesting…… Maybe its cause s/he’s got a wo/man in the house………..huh… its interesting….. Oooooow magnolia… beautiful….. oh I’m going to take one… so pretty…………. In my pocket…………….. we’ll see what happens…….. I don’t know,… it’s a little fucked up though, you know, it’s a little fucked up………….s/he hasn’t liked him/her for a long time…. Now that I think about it……. Its so weird….. seven years……….. I never thought I'd be with someone for seven years you know? And part of me is terrified of thinking about being the monogamous partner of one person for a really long time. It kind of freaks me out, I’m not interested, in, that sort of thing… hence the no marriage thing, which kind of freaks a lot of people out….. I mean my parents, they’ve come to terms with it I think, that there is no marriage, that you know, that’s not the type of person that I am……..its interesting that, ……… its interesting that….. people see things in me and think of them as extreme, but then they see them in other peoples and,….. its not so extreme….. I don’t know… I don’t know….. is that three cops just moseying down the street?..... that’s interesting….. I don’t know if they’re cops…..they look cop like though……… And I really didn’t want to make this part of my performance class, to talk about the class itself, um….. but…..i think its important to talk about performing…. I don’t know… so today….I actually added… pictures onto, my portfolio blog…. Called….. this is a violent gesture, photographs by (+)….um…… I like that …. I like the idea of performing and gesture……um…. I don’t know, I was looking through my performance with Margaret blog today and, I really like it! It’s a lot of fun…. There’s so much on there, that like, you know, I look through all that stuff but in time, but its like going back I’m like, oh ya! This idea of blogging, to me is amazing…I want to blog blogs, you know, I want to like list them off and, but honestly its just beautiful…. Looking at my own blog, I …… really liked it………………….. I especially liked, just, seeing, my work, up, doing something……………….. I don’t know, I picked up a camera, I make a lot of images, I really like it……huh…. I think its… I thinks its totally worth it.. I think it’s a great idea, and I should have started it sooner…. I also have to start following… (*)’s blog……………………………………………………… Just hoofing it up the street….. huh…… so glad to be back on my feet again……. So glad…. I need to clip my toenails though…. These sneakers are tight….. I need to get back on the bike too. I want a better bike, my god do I ever want a better bike…. I think it would make a world of a difference….oh, pocket full of magnolia…….. its like 8:15….. got to go to school early tomorrow, got to meet (%) at noon……….. Oh (-)……. Oh (-)….. you know, I love that kid but s/he’s a douche bag at the same time…… comes over kisses kisses, kisses, kissing my ass………. Those guys just looked at me…..see I told you , I told you , I look like a freak with a recorder to my mouth…. Like I’m some sort of writer or something…. Except one of those, I take myself too seriously writers……. God…. People think I’m that kind of artist too….oh, take myself way too seriously artist…… brutal that girl tripped over a piece of stone… that could kill someone….. no but really……. Huh… Western Front…. You know I’m excited for school ending.. I’m excited.. I told my boss that I was going to stay hopefully on full time for a while, which, you know, means that (^) goes upstairs which is what I want, s/he was happy when I told him/her….. but I also think s/he doesn’t believe them……. I’m glad me and (^) have a realistic relationship with each other we’re not buddy buddy, but if everyone else can build an alliance in that place you better believe we are too…. For a long time s/he was the lonely solider and now s/he’s not, s/he’s got someone keeping an eye on her back and I don’t know how important s/he thinks that is but I do know, that, after giving her application to school to be an administrator there… or, um……. To tell him/her that I told her/him that I was staying… so that they would take him/her upstairs…. You know, hopefully this all means a little something…. She also knows that I’m out of there, as soon as I have a better opportunity as well, also………. I hope they get him/her up there fast, I’m not sticking around for ever……. Maybe just long enough to make some money…………………………………. Interesting though……………. Interesting though………….. I think (#) knows its over,…………………………………….. I feel bad for her/him, just like I felt bad for (?). But you know, the longer you are without that person, the more and more clear it becomes that, you didn’t want to be with that person in the first place…… Its just the way it is sometimes you know…………… huh………… I don’t have anything profound to say……………… not that I ever do……………. um……………. yeah……. brain drain……………. Bicycle with light.... blinking…. I don’t know, I don’t know. How stream of consciousness do we get with this….. Loud car……………… mountains…. But only the lights, but I know they’re the mountains…………….this is ridiculous sometimes, sometimes I think that I do ridiculous things, and then people tell me that they think they’re great and then I’m like no actually they’re pretty ridiculous…… pretty ridiculous……. I need to get, feminist literature……. I need to…..borrow some books………….from…………the library……… ummm…………. I’ll wiki feminist movement or something, feminist literature…………… running………… and start running again… I need to clip my freaking toe nails, these sneakers are driving me nuts. Not only are they ugly but my toes are mashed up……….. So Weird though I was telling ({) that my horoscope um…. Said that I was going to be off my feet and resting forcefully and…. There we go. Didn’t do my gold drips… I don’t know, I don’t know……. There’s other things that needed to be done I guess, like….. sitting on my ass………. I love (!)…………………… uh……………….huh…………………………….. I can understand why s/he wouldn't want to talk to (!)…. Bad shoes……. Its…… common sense… he and (!) aren’t exactly close they work together, and.. whatever……. Its strange……….. but co-workers are co-workers….. huh.. I want to move.. these apartments are so kind of, cozy looking…like the way I would like to live.. like this beautiful…. rose……………………. Ya I want a new apartment………. I don’t understand… some… things… that …. (&) … says and does… you know, like…..um…. acting like this (.) girl/boy is his boy/girlfriend but then when I make a little remark, totally being like, no that’s not it… like, isn’t it? Cause that’s the signal you're giving, and then saying things like, this place really feels like home… and …stuff like that like, I don’t know, I don’t know….. maybe I just over analyze everything, the fact of the matter is that s/he’s cool and that you now, I'm sure s/he wont let anything get out of hand……………… almost home…. I can kind of see home………………. Yeah I definitely need to cut the toes nails….shoes are so tight… A lot of people are out today, its fucking warm and beautiful!......... I was looking at the Café Deux Soleil….. um….. mural…. Deux Soleils mural on Commercial Drive today, and man is it an excellent mural, I don’t know who they got to do it but its just really lovely… the two suns, one rising one setting that beautiful garden in the middle. Just lovely really loved it actually…. And its funny cause sometimes you don’t stand far enough to be able to see it and then sometimes its just like…. Bam!.....i like that …. The bam…………………I want to move… huh… maybe not this summer though…….. we’ll see… we’ll see what (&) says and does…. We’ll see…………………….. my feet hurt…………………………………………………………………… that guy was eating Kentucky Fried Chicken………. Its strange I've been thinking about meat a lot……………. I don’t know….i don’t know how I feel about meat but, I’ve been thinking about it a lot… even craved it a few times…….. I’m afraid to … huh…..go back to eating meat actually……….. its really strange feeling…. Ummm.. it tastes so good… but, I remember feeling so bad…….. when I ate it… sometimes.. you know…. I don’t know if I can do that I don’t know if I can feel so bad…….you know…….. huh……….yay I'm back on my feet….. walking…. Makes such a difference…….. I feel so good…… I felt like I had gained ten pounds in the past two weeks…………… I don’t know…. Part of me feels really good about my bod……… part of me feels really not so good about my bod…….. so…… I have to just stop drinking coffee too…I’ve been on this coffee binge lately….. it’s a no no………. but ya… its cause nowhere else’s chai is as good as….. Granville…… Tea Company…. Its just fucking amazing there… I cant have it anywhere else………………. Oow I like how this car looks all sparkly…… just full of bead so of water and this truck is so graffitied up that so hilarious… I love graffiti….. man I love Montreal for its graffiti….. not graffiti but like murals……………… Toronto’s a little to business for that…. Its funny everybody’s back to school…. The caf ’s got the lights on again in the evening…. Hm……… I like it…………… should make tonight… its not even that difficult… just need to chop everything up………. KookooHoooo.. before it goes bad you know……………………………………………. Hoo…. Up the hill……………………………………………… ……………………………………………. I don’t know if it was a bad idea to tell (*) not to drink so much and smoke so much…. While s/he’s going through a rough time………. But….. I walked in there to one and a half empty bottles… of alcohol… I think its necessary….. its interesting too the swapping of the dresses……………. How he got the tight one and she got pretty much a mu-mu………….. she wants nothing more than to be free… I remember that… its doesn’t take long either.. between the time that, the straw broke the camel’s back to the time that you’re like… bye….. She’s going to tell him tonight………………………………… I don’t know its interesting……. Reminds me of my break up…………. Makes me wonder if I'm ever going to break up with (!).. and how hard that going to be, its already bee seven years……………………………. I don’t know I like him a lot … still….. he means the world to me…. Still……… I don’t think that’s changing any time quickly…. No matter what anyone says really… I'm comfortable with him……….. he’s comfortable with me…………….. although I kind of envy (*), when she says that she’s found someone to talk cameras with and go on little adventures with, although… huh…. (!)’s up for adventures… I'm the one that’s like, no lets stay at home……… he is definitely up for adventures………. I want to get on the bike….. the bike excites me………I just want a better bike…… uhhhhh.. I'm going to talk to (<) actually, see if there’s a good wo/men’s road bike frame back there………………I think it would be great… and then sell the bike I have….. I need a digital camera…………………………………… ……………… cheaper show and fabrication, although I don’t really have anything for fabrication, but, I want to have something for fabrication……….. I don’t know what though……………. And the animal one……….. I would have loved to have done my budgie show but you know, whatever that was then and this is now, its kind of never getting done… maybe… maybe………….. maybe……… ………………….I could do it on a smaller scale…..possibly I don't know though, you know….. anyway………..I'll consider it………………….. I'm excited at the thought of moving… I’ve seen (") a few times at school again.. and……. Its interesting… its interesting……………………. And you know.. I put um,……… interesting also, that (>) would…. So …. Obviously say hello to me… while (") was there.. I wonder, I wonder if (") has said anything to (>) of even if he will…………. I don’t have my keys….iIhope they’re in my back pack… I'm home.. daffodils.

Second Installment

Ok so... this my second um.......... my second sort of installment of my daily practice its been a few days, I think today's March 1st... um... but I've had a problem with my foot and um...I haven't been able to walk home and, I haven't been doing this at home, a lot's been going on. The Olympics just passed, um... Just sitting in class and kind of, every time I have to explain my work, I... I... uh...I remember things that were important and um... I was just about to catch the bus but, remembered something important and, was thinking of writing it down but then I thought well daily practice and uh.... and uh... might as well just speak it into my digital recorder.... um... I was thinking about my Hundred People Born In America series and today somebody asked me why I don’t show the degration of the grays and, I remembered why I started the project in the first place, and how I felt that repetition muddied things, and that, you know, a lot of people feel like repetition reinforces things but I felt like repetition actually obscured things, made them.. um... made them iconic without being, distinguishable? I guess? I don't know, huh... its like... It all kind of started with the image of (!), and how I felt that, or the image of the (#), and how I felt that, you know, the image of these people are so recognizable, that the only thing that comes to mind is their name sometimes, you don’t even really know who they are and what they stood for.... especially the image of (!), cause at one point just a few years a go everybody and their grandma was wearing that iconic image on their t-shirt... and uh... I felt like no... very few people few people actually , including myself, knew... his story, the story. I mean obviously it's not one story, but, the dynamics.. it’s been simplified, its been neutralized its been, appropriated, commodified, hollowed out, and that to me is interesting, the image of ($) is already hollow is already.... is already so ... um...full of.... full of no meaning, actually. I don't know how else to put it, like there’s, you know, what do people think when they see the image of ($)? Idiot, asshole, United States President, conservative, Republican, like, whatever, but like the idea of ($) is so abstract now that it could actually be, you know, appropriated by anything. I think that's the danger with these images, and the importance of these images is that when an image becomes hollow, or vague or abstract or whatever, that you can kind of fill it with your own meaning, turn it into a tool. (%) gave an amazing talk about artist as tool, at uh.. Western Front talk, and then s/he proceeded to give a blow job to a bar of Pears soap and, that to me, you know, really resonated, and in the tools of visual culture, in these iconic images... I said to (:) they're iconic even though they're... even though they're indistinguishable and unrecognizable, they're still iconic, you know, images are repeated they're paralleled, by the same sort of people, (?), (/), you know, its been... its been so solidified that, you know, you know, the image even if its not the person that you think it is, you know, you know (?) looked like (/) at one point, and purposely did that. Its interesting to me, its interesting to me that...that.... these icons.... are replaceable with very similar icons and presented as individuals even celebrities, people who are are somebody.. people that are so individual that they would be recognized anywhere...and yet they are replaceable, by somebody else, whose just going to come and fill that hole, fill that hollow iconic image of the blonde sex symbol. It's kind of fascinating to me actually, you know, the revolutionary black man, you know, (x), (.), get mistaken for each other, really interesting, I ... I'm actually, a little umm.... fascinated to see how people react to this, just like I was fascinated to see how people react to the Impression series, or.... the...the.... Transcriptions or the Blueprinted body, like, I'm not interested in the photograph. I'm interested in the reaction to the photograph. I'm interested in, the outcome of the visual knowledge experiment....and I don’t know, I just feel like, sometimes, I loose sight of what’s going on and sometimes I... I don’t, you know, I feel like I forgot where this gray Hundred People Born In America came from and now....I don’t know... I don’t know... over the break, the fire of this Hundred People Born In America, kind of sparked again, I mean its a tedious project and I just feel like sometimes I loose interest and want to actually abandon it, but, its important and, you know I thought, during the whole (.) election that it was so potent and that it lost its potency, but I realized after putting a few of those images together, that actually its just as potent as it's always been, and actually, I don’t know if its ever going to loose its potency cause in fact, this is always going to be relative (relevant), I’m not talking about now and I'm not talking about the past, I’m talking about...I'm talking about... the future actually, and how things repeat themselves, and how repetition muddies things. Even in tactics, you know, we have the same tactics of protest, and they don’t do anything... they don’t, change, they don’t revolutionize the way that they used to....its not radical behavior anymore, its not radical to protest in the streets with placards and I think we need to be creative and imaginative and think of .... different methods that, are going to, be as radical and revolutionary as the protest was, when it had an effect....when it.... when it, people identified with.... the gesture, of....you know, a demonstration, a march, whatever. I think that,.....you know, the powers that be have, adapted quite well to these strategies and new strategies need to be thought of...and we ....can look at our past as a reference point, in fact what’s most important, I think right now is, imagining alternatives, imagining...the unimaginable, which is kind of.... a reality that is different from this reality and not....so........far out that it cant.... work its way into the fabric of what already exists. the tiniest gestures, sometimes have the largest impact, and if we can just, ........... if we can just, manipulate gestures, um..............so that..........not manipulate gestures, if we can shift intentions so that, the intention of most people um.......is good will and generosity.......love....essentially, creativity....creation, love is creation..... I think, we would be...in a completely different place, but, intention.....I don’t know, the intention.....have been turned....into what's profitable...you know, the....the general intention of things is what is most beneficial or profitable to that person or those group of people, or that community or whatever, and I think that success.... translated into profit, or profits translated into success is...um... is a sort of............ false gain.. I think profit is a false gain.........um........yeah....I also realize my interest in community, and how, I’ve put a lot of emphasis on.... collective, sort of gestures and consciousness and, I've been looking for my material in a very collective sort of way...um.... and I think that I'm really interested in the community, speaking on behalf of themselves...um....as people having voice on behalf of themselves...speaking on behalf of ones self, in a way that.... huh.... is comprehensible. Um...... for everyone, and, in a way that... is.. sort of unedited, and I want to archive.....people's experiences, not in an objective way, like, I don’t want to say unedited cause, actually I don’t want to give.... the... sort of appearance of objectivity, not interested in objectivity and in fact I’m very interested in subjectivity and I think that’s what I want to collect is people's subjectivities... umm.......because I feel like, collective conscious, is played out before us, kind of all the time, ...um.....but we've become, numb to it....um.............numb in the sense that..... you know, .....sometimes I don’t remember hearing...um....the things that I have picked out in these conversations as being tensions, as being, revealing, as being, um.........truisms of the collective conscious…… You know, that aren’t actually truisms, but they're so normalized in our....uh.. everyday lives that, they become, truisms they become things that people um.... allow themselves to say and communic... to believe and to, and to communicate and acknowledge, as being…. true............ I think that, that's pretty...... uh, complicated when you think about the affects that it has on the people who live in those societies, who relate to these truisms….um….but….huh…..but it’s not true, you know, like, Middle Eastern people are violent, like……. I don’t know….. women are weak……… I don’t know…… um………it’s actually… I don’t …. I don’t… I don’t want to seem judgmental either, I don’t want to seem like I judge, what other people do.... in their most minute of gestures.... you know, its like, I've had people say that they feel like they are under the microscope, when they’re around me because, …..you know, I have a fascination with these sorts of things but actually……my fascination is not with what is…. Necessarily said… or done…. Or…. My fascination is with…. Um………… that moment, of…… of critical engagement…. Um… you know…. Huh… you know… when….you’re in a crowd and and you’re having a really good time and then something happens, …. And you don’t feel right about it…. Or…. All of a sudden you don’t agree with what’s going on….lets say that you’re at a protest, for example, and… you’ve gone there with peaceful intentions, and a fight breaks out and, all of a sudden, or um….. hateful slogans start getting chanted, and its all of a sudden like, wait a minute, I… I don’t agree with this, and it’s like, that moment of realizing that, that even when you support something, that um…..it needs to be kind of viewed with critical eye at times. I think that moment is really…..important…. and………… yeah its really important, that moment, that moment in (=)’s lecture when you realize, what was going on…. And that it was all tied together… and that there was no..., that everybody understood….in very simple terms….I like that moment… My father said the other day, when it comes to thinking about Western dominance, that you know, talking about colonization, um…. In the sense that its still happening and that, um…. It still has effects on people, um… he said that, that in itself is a, a mechanism of colonization. Of making it more powerful than it actually is…um…. And giving them the credit of having….. fucked us all up, basically….um… it actually empowers the movement… actually empowers the… ideology, cause it.. it’s a, see they were successful in, stripping us of all our…..identity or whatever, I…… I don’t……you know, the moment he said that, it made me think really critically, even about, you know, reading Foucault. I love Foucault, I don’t know, most people might run away from Foucault, I love him… I think his work is incredible and I feel like, he ……….. he deduces things quite nicely, and his, um…. His logic is quite… accessible to me….I don’t know.. I don’t know…. Other than that, other than that, my friends are crazy. I will… I have uh…… I have a tendency of attracting really interesting people with really, sort of dynamic characters and um…. Hooooo…. On the one hand, its fantastic, on the other hand, wow man. And I don’t know, I feel like sometimes I am the keeper of secrets and I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do…. With all these secrets it feels a little overwhelming at times, cause, huh………… having people reveal themselves to you is a responsibility….um… that you kind of carry…….. huh…………………………………..I miss being known, not like, known, you know, like famous known, cause… I’m definitely not famous but, known, like, people who’ve known me for……. A few years, people who’ve met my family, people who know where I come from, people who have a background understanding of kind of, who I am as a person. That when I say, you know, my sister this, or my mother that,….. that they know….cause I share my family with, with everyone. I think my family is amazing, so dynamic and insane and huh… generous and loving and chaotic and maddening. I just feel like, ………… like watching people interact with my family….tells me more about those people then……. Years of having those people interact with me…….. I don’t know, especially my older sister, s/he’s…. my gauge…… I gauge everyone with him/her. S/he can spot you true being from a mile away, it’s really interesting… it’s really interesting………… Oh……. I’m already at Main……………………. Gosh am I glad the Olympics are almost over, you know I grew up in a big city, and… I love people, and I love people who… you know, have a sense of community and camaraderie, and have a sense of collective, and….the past two weeks Vancouver has had a sense of collective, ….but in the most twisted ways!… it’s weird man. This environment sometimes, really trips me out, its just like, are you kidding me?….Even when everyone’s celebrating, you’re going to be violent? you’re going to be aggressive? You’re going to be drunk? And in people’s face? That to me is extreme behavior, not… other things……………………………………………….I'm happy its over………………. I kind of love walking down this street…………………. I also hate it at the same time…………… its so insane, that my foot hurts for the entire Olympics, that I can't do what I wanted to do, cause I couldn’t even take a step without, riling in pain and then as soon as the Olympics are over, my foot is kind of back to normal. Its like I was destined to stay at home, and, do nothing, and fuck! I hate doing nothing, I mean its not that I did nothing, of course, I did a lot, but… not super excited about it, I don’t know…. It’s fucked up…… I have to submit to the cheaper show fuck!….. I have to take a photo of my image…….. I will.. It’ll happen.. it will happen………………………………. you know, I wanted to submit my, like, new cyanotypes, but I’m almost thinking of submitting my body cyanotypes, I mean I have a few of them, they already exist, I just need to document it and lay it out flat……. I think that’s what I’m going to do………… I think for me its what makes sense…………………..I need to, kind of, look at the work that I’ve already made, as being just as valid as the work, that I’m making and that I’m going to make. I’m always so done with things, I don’t really want to go back to them,….. but there’s something to be said…. For work that I invested in….phah… for a while… you know? Cant wait until (^) gets his/her dress that little ballerina bitch…. S/he’ll look so hot………… I want to know what s/he thinks… I really didn’t give him/her a hint at all as to what it was… I think s/he’ll like it… its kind of going to match what s/he….already likes but, super fancy super chic…… part of me is tired, like, uber tired…………….. I don’t know what I'm going to do with these…. If I don’t end up doing them as my daily practice, I think its really, kind of unusual for me to do this but although they say thirty days builds a habit and I’ve been told to…. Huh… record myself or write down what I say or whatever a few times. Apparently, I'm a lot more profound when I talk then I am when I….write and um………. So I'm…..talking. Today, I said something about,…….um…. about um…………….cant remember, like, …… about grounding ourselves in our traditional self? (:) really liked that…. That Guatemalan guy is really interesting s/he’s presented some really, kind of, interesting things… I don’t know.. I like… I love watching people blossom…. I’m going to miss that about school…… about… watching people grow…. I want so bad to be a teacher… I want so bad to teach art…………… I want to be the next ({)…. I love her/him……… I love ({)………………………………… …………………………………….. I wonder if the full moon is over……………. I wonder if (*) is ok……………… s/he’s gone through a rough time….. and I don’t really know what to do, the last time I tried to help, in…. a sort of awkward situation in somebody else’s relationship, I just … I don’t know……I find it interesting, that (W)) has been reinforcing his/her presence.... I think s/he is pleased by the idea of um.... creating anxiety in me......I wonder why, I mean I know why, its actually competition, I feel like its competition, but I mean , and don’t get me wrong I feel quite competitive towards her/him myself, um.... but its like, not healthy, its not healthy competition, in fact its really unhealthy and its even kind of scary and feel kind of at threat sometimes, and not that I'm actually at threat, I mean I don’t... I don’t know....the last time s/he and I met face to face I felt threatened. I don’t feel that threatened anymore but then, s/he's making his/her presence known to me, which feels threatening.......... it could just be him/her reaching out to communicate, I have no clue, but why would s/he want to do that? S/he got what s/he waned, which was for me to be absent in his/her life and in her/his partner's life, and that's what I've been so why come at me? you know? why put your foot in the door again? Like, just let this close and let us forget it and... huh..... just forget I exist, you know, why?....................... I don’t know, I don’t even think about (@), I mean I do but I don’t, you know? I do because, its (@), I... huh...... I love him/her, I love a lot of things about him/her, um.... but... I'm uh.... not really interested at all in being friends, I'm actually quite fatigued by the idea and so the idea of not having, her/him around to fatigue me is nice.... I mean I don’t even miss him/her, you know, sometimes you're in a fight with someone and you miss them so much, cause, you do.... and I don’t miss him/her, I don’t miss her/him and I don’t miss (^) and that kind of seems crazy to me cause at one point, I felt like I couldn’t even live without (@) and at one point I felt so close to (^) and I just feel like.... there's nothing really to it anymore, there's no interest or investment and I totally, I'm talking about on my part cause, puh..... I don’t know, I think both of them have shown very, sort of, um... minute and and unmoving and unconvincing ways that they might be interested in being friends and I don’t know, its doesn’t really interest me. I feel like they wasted a lot of my time, and a lot of my energy and resources, I spent, what I was willing to part with on them... and..... I... was left with ... feelings of insecurity and....a feeling... that I was unappreciated................................. like a bad relationship, just like I told (^) its like a bad relationship...... oh (*)............ I don’t know, but s/he plans on doing with him/herself cause I feel like puh... s/he’s struggling and the worst is relationship struggle, oh and.. it just tears my insides..... I ... I know s/he's hurting ..... and I know s/he's freaking out and, s/he tries to be tough and s/he tries to be in control and s/he's totally not... and sometimes you just have to admit, you know, you're out of control when it comes to feeling like this, like you cant control this feeling you know, .... huh...... do I think him/her and his/her man are or her/his ex-man whatever, should be together? I feel like, ........ I feel like I don’t know very much about the relationship. But I feel like, at one point they were invested enough in each other to get engaged and um....... I know that was not a light step for either of them.... and so.... a year later, for them to be so.... or two years later, its it two years already? a year? anyway for them to be so at odds right now...... is crazy, although that’s what separation does, you know, its allows us to taste something different for half a second and honestly if that half a second wasn't satisfying in itself, well the other side of the grass just seems so....... shinny brilliant emerald green....... in comparison to your dull..... patchy.... brown..... side.................I'll be so happy when the choppers stop flying overhead of us..... those are planes but, there's a chopper somewhere...................................................... puh..... this group assignment thing... wow...... you know... (&) wow..... you know... I don’t know what I think of people like her/him. On one hand I understand the importance of networking with such people on the other hand, sometimes his/her behavior to me is questionable, on the other hand s/he is an incredible human being and has done really remarkable things, and I admire um...... I admire that... I admire her/him on the one hand and on the other I really ... I don’t know.... s/he kind of disappoints me....you know, you know, like, I don’t know.... I don’t really want to use that kind of language anymore, this notion of being disappointed by someone, I guess what I want to say is that its unexpected..... I didn’t expect that.... s/he would behave certain ways and maybe you know, my expectations.... disappointed me.... I think that’s what it is... I think my expectations um..... disappointed me..... I don’t want to say people disappointed me.. cause actually, people don’t disappoint me..... I don’t know,,, my mom used to say and dad that I make excuses for people but um..... I don’t know, I feel like part of me wants to be able to imagine... um..... a reality in which um.... someone's unexpected behavior, behavior that I may not necessarily consider rational, is rationalized and I think that everybody has a moment in which they feel like they are behaving rationally but in fact, they’re not or they could be perceived as not or whatever you know what I’m saying? Like, we perform some incredibly um…. Irrational sort of actions, carry out very irrational actions under the impression that we are being totally rational and that it all makes sense and in fact the same person, can even think completely differently at some point, that their rationalization’s completely irrational and, I mean I’ve been there, um….. and I think that huh, I think that we even disappoint ourselves, that there’s certain things that we expect of ourselves that we disappoint ourselves on and that, I don’t necessarily think is to be judged, I think its part of everyone’s being and if you want to judge every person on a disappointment or a … or a… or whatever that you’re kind of assuming that you don’t make the same mistakes and I feel like everybody… makes the same mistakes in one way or another……. There not mistakes they’re just… actions that , lead to undesired……. Consequences, cause consequences can be good and bad um… but undesired results…………… it’s been an interesting week man, speaking to (+) and realizing that (-) has….Puh…..(-) has a way of sexually assaulting people with his/her words, is really fucking interesting to me… like, …… s/he has a very specific way of communicating, that seems so aggressive and so huh… almost violent…… that even when s/he’s being…… sexual and even when s/he’s feels like s/he’s communicating in his/her desire to be tender and uh…. Loving with someone that it comes off as…. Huh.. an assault an act of violence….. I think …. That, that is puh…. Really interesting.. I think that that is really interesting... I wish, that I could communicate this to her/him… I wish that I could tell him/her, …….. that her/his, that his/her words are violent…..I don’t know if that makes any sense and honestly who the fuck am I to tell him/her that but you know, its not that this is my observation, its that this what people even him/herself have told me, that people feel assaulted by his/her, her/his words and that s/he has been accused of sexual harassment, sexual assault, because of his/her words before and then to have (+) describe love letters as sexual assault, and as making her/him feel really uncomfortable, that, is really interesting to me. Given the dynamic of this person and the fact that sometimes no matter what s/he says people, are insulted or affected in negative ways by it just , is a little……. I don’t know what it is a little….its just interesting its just interesting that, that, that (-)'s language is assaulting, even when its loving, that that’s how its viewed……..funny huh? Funny in the weirdest way though… like this is, like this gesture, like this is a violent gesture………………………………fuck. I’m running across the street I got to not run! I’m not supposed to run, huh…. And I’ve been running a lot today actually. I don’t know I’m not really nice to my feet, although as I said as soon as the Olympics are over my feet are back in shape…it might have to do with the fact that I have been wearing running shoes for the past few days but honestly, what the fuck………………………… The lack of yoga bothers me too, even though I don’t want to see (^), like, I need to get back into practice, not……. Not for my body’s sake but, more so for my mind’s sake….. huh……huh… the blossoms smell like candy. I cant wait to take a walk with (~) on Thursday, to that street that’s absolutely lined with cherry trees, just stand under and smell that sweet sweet candy smell…… Not sugar, its not sugar, its like, kind of like what cotton candy smells like from a distance, like a, what a Mentos strawberry….a, a, strawberry flavored Mentos might taste like, like, kind of subtle but, not subtle at all and uh… intoxicating…. God I love fruit Mentos….. maybe I’ll get a pack tomorrow….. I’m a couple blocks away from the house………………….. oh (*)!……………….. That’s not him/her, for half a second I thought it was…………. For half a second it could have been………………. Huh……. A block away from home…… I’m tired… I’m glad the weather is warm, I’m glad I’m getting oxygen………………………………………. Oh (*)…………………. Just walking past his/her place……. I guess that’s why s/he’s so on my mind………………. My body’s , feeling tired……. Can’t even remember if I made plans this week…………… Meeting with (:) this week, I don’t know what we’ll meet about….. I don’t know what to talk to him/her about…….. although, I don’t know, something about (:) makes a lot of sense to me…. I say that a lot recently eh? Something about this or that makes a lot of sense to me………………. Interesting use of words. Well, here we are….. ta ta for now.

1st Installment - Giving This A Try

So, I'm starting my daily practice.... and even though I'm.... shouldn't be walking, I've been asked not to walk cause my feet really hurt, I mean, I can walk if I had sneakers, and I do have sneakers, except I think they're the ugliest things on the planet and quite frank I'd just rather not wear them. And I know that's really crazy 'cause my feet hurt so much sometimes that I can't even walk. I don't exactly know what's wrong but, apparently it's wrong enough that I can't walk..... Anyway, I've decided my daily practice, I've decided that my daily practice is going to be me kind of recording me talking to myself, as I walk home, cause I always walk home, its my down time. I generally smoke a joint during this time too which sometimes helps, sometimes doesn't. We'll see I guess........... So what's on my mind today? I don't know, the weather's amazing! I've been thinking about all the brilliant things I would say on this little recorder, once I started doing this, by the way, the date is February 21st, 22nd I mean, 2010. I think it's my best friend’s birthday, actually I don't really know when it is. I just know it's around this time and, February twenty- something and, well s/he's living in Jamaica, with the father of his/her son, a wo/man who s/he really doesn't get along with very well and s/he's not really in a happy place right now and I kind of feel for him/her, but at the same time, we all write our destinies...... going to pause for a moment while I readjust my situation............................................................... That's better , I hate carrying things when I walk, especially things that I can’t just, like, throw on my shoulder, things like lunch bags and bottles of water and what not....... I don’t know, I decided to do this because, well for the past year or so I've been collecting conversations and supposed to be transcribing them but I only really transcribe a minute of each conversation, it’s got to fit a sheet of film or a role, I haven't quite figured that out. But, it’s got to fit on a limited space and so obviously it’s not the entirety of these conversations that gets transcribed but just a tiny little section. I was wondering what would it, what would it be like, to collect my own conversations with myself, and transcribe them? I don't know, I kind of, have noticed that there's a lot of people that talk to themselves openly and out loud and I'm fascinated by that cause, I don't know if it was just me, or what, but I was under the impression that only crazy people talked to themselves and you know that was something that you do in the privacy of your bathroom, bedroom in front of a mirror, that it doesn't actually happen out loud cause if, if no one hears it does a tree in the forest actually make noise, I don’t know, is a person who's only crazy in front of the mirror in the bathroom by themselves actually crazy? I don't know. So I kind of said in my mind that everyday that I walk home which is everyday ‘cause I love walking, I'm going to record the conversation I have with myself, my rants, my raves, my thoughts, doesn't matter, whatever, and transcribe them. This doesn't take more than, I don't know, an hour of my day, the recording part of it. I've never really been good at transcribing and I don't ever do anything quite official or technically or appropriately or anything like that. I usually fuck things up and it’s usually through fucking things up that I realize, how brilliant the fuck up can be and the fact that I love fuck ups and the fact that I absolutely love and I think I'm going to make it , like, a mission of mine to collect brilliant fuck ups. Fuck ups that just say so much. And not that I want to put judgment on the people that make these fuck ups cause, don’t get me wrong, we all fuck up all the time, fuck up with everything, even ourselves. I don’t know, I don’t know. I just feel, like, instead of downing on the fuck ups, sometimes you need to embrace what comes out of them rather...... there's very few times in my life I've actually let myself down...... but anyway. I.... the reason I smoke pot, before I uh.... rhyme my thoughts of..... On this digital recording, is because ..... I'm..... I don't have as much inhibition, I'm a little more calm and a lot more thoughtful. I feel, anyway, a lot more thoughtful...... and so why not share them? That, and I care less as to whether or not I'm some out loud talking crazy pothead on the street. I actually love it, I love making people feel uncomfortable, and I love making people a little intimidated or afraid of me. I think that comes from being bullied or beat up or hated or feared or resented or just misunderstood, I don't know. I feel like I've always been misunderstood..... I feel like even now-a-days people don’t know who I am and really cant, when you tell people certain things about you, about your past or your opinion or who you are or what you think or why do you feel you are a certain way, they kind of freak out man! They kind of, they kind of lose it. Like their bubble's burst and its like, honestly, I hope I wasn't a bubbles, I hope you didn't think that of me, I hope you didn't expect that I would meet your expectations, cause isn't that fucking ridiculous?..... I like making people feel uncomfortable. I like freaking them the fuck out! I like saying things that make their eyebrows raise and then makes them knot and them into a knot in the middle of their forehead. And the reason why I think I like this is because....... people are most surprised by, I feel, that most real truisms. And their most offended by these truisms too, like, patriarchy exists, and black people still suffer and I've never felt normal...... I'm afraid of the standard we set for ourselves sometimes..... I'm afraid because I feel like we're really fucking up.... but anyway....... I miss my family, it’s an early spring in Vancouver and I miss them. Spring reminds me of Persian New Year and Persian New Year reminds me of my family. My mom especially, who I remember being the most beautiful wo/man in the world. S/he used to wear amazing flowy skirts and beautiful tops, I mean s/he was so beautiful, I didn't understand why everyone wasn't in love with him/her. But s/he would dance in front of us in like these amazing ways and his/her skirt would just rise as s/he's spinning and it would ripple and it was beautiful. I mean it wasn’t just one skirt s/he had, like, a whole collection of these skirts or something, I just remember it wasn’t one skirt...... At that point, I wished I was as beautiful as my mom..... But doesn't everyone have that feeling?..... How could you not think that your mom was the most beautiful wo/man in the world?...... My mom definitely is. And yet she's nuts, and not like nuts like you know, needs to be put away nuts or anything, not that anybody needs to be put away but, you know, life takes its toll on you and when, you go through enough you kind of, you unravel a bit……… and uh….. Not that the unraveling is bad but it makes you a little nuts I think…… I mean, I think we’re all a little unraveled and some of us could admit to it better than others but, s/he’s nuts, s/he’s manipulative and controlling and those things seem to go hand in hand and be… huh.. Passed down from generation to generation I’m not sure…………. My grandma was nuts, not my mom’s mom but my dad’s mom…. So much so that I resented him/her until s/he died and then I loved him/her cause….. S/he wasn’t around to be nuts anymore and… I could build this beautiful fantasy of how incredibly wonderful of a woman s/he was and how much s/he loved us and …. All of that…. I can’t shake the memory of wishing that s/he was just like every other grandmother who wore a bun in his/her hair and baked cookies and had you over for the weekend and... But it wasn’t like that.... my grandma was a widower since my father was fourteen and.. Uh.. A widow since my father was fourteen and ….. S/he……. Lived a very independent, life, you know…. S/he was the first in our family to get his/her face lift and s/he ended up getting two or three, no one really knows. S/he was like the Liz Taylor of our family………………. There’s pictures of here where s/he’s absolutely stunning in a dress that I would kill for, just decked to the nines, smoking on a cigarette being super cool, living like a single wo/man for the rest of his/her life. I honestly believe s/he hated men, s/he had three boys, one of which is my father……. I think s/he hated men………………… I don’t know, maybe this is sounding all a little too poetic.. I feel like I’m speaking in prose, which never happens, although I ramble a lot but, huh…. Maybe I need to ……. Slower my pace and take a few more drags off this joint………… huh… Do I speak like this to myself in my head?…….. I feel like I do, I feel like this conversation is still normal and natural but it isn’t cause its out loud and I cant help but… try and sound like I’m some brilliant author writing some brilliant book….. 'cause why else would somebody walk down the street talking out loud to themselves….. At least I have the recorder…… what kind of social experiment would this be if I didn’t?……… I like it when people think I’m a little crazy, except recently people have been thinking I’m straight edge which really bothers me…. Like why? 'Cause I’m old? I’m not that old…. I’m not even thirty yet, even though it’s a few months away……. I still feel like I’m seventeen except I’m totally incapable doing the amount of drugs that I did when I was seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, I don’t know…. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve done permanent damage…. Don’t we all though, in one way or another?….. I quiet as people pass by, I really don’t want to be screaming into, a recorder as people are walking by that’s just, a little nut bar, I’m just not comfortable with it at all………… This walk, has become what I look forward to in a day, when I was told I couldn’t… I wasn’t told….. I don’t go to the doctor, nobody tells me things, but, my body tells me things and, when my body tells me that I shouldn’t be walking, I listen to my body because…. Fuck…. Its painful communication but it………… anyway, I’m just not wearing sneakers and so I shouldn’t be walking the whole way home….. Maybe I’ll make sure I take my sneakers with me, but you know, I hate carrying things around, I hate carrying things while I walk…. A purse is enough……… When I was younger I used to carry a massive bag and like, it would weigh on my one side and my back always hurt and I couldn’t figure out why, it’s this massive bag with all my shit in it and I would walk for hours, with it on the one side…………… as soon as I let go of that bag, cause in high-school you have to have a new bag at least every two years if not every year, but when I let go of this Doc Martin massive side saddle sort of bag, my dad scooped it up in half a second, made it hers/his. It had a wicked broad strap and it was all just so well put together and think it’s still exists to this day, it… it’s a beast of a bag……………….. I don’t know, sometimes, sometimes I really don’t want to do this but you know, part of me is kind of committed to this and I’ll tell you completely why, it’s because, the conversations you have with yourself they, you know, they, they , they mean something…….. They’re important conversations just like all conversations are important, just as conversations reveal things about people, places and things that, that, you may not be able to isolate otherwise and, time, they kind of, do the same thing, I’m doing the same thing, I can go back and listen on this and its pretty fucking interesting, you know, and I don’t know, I feel committed to figuring out, what I think about my own voice and my own language and my own way of saying and speaking things and communicating, people say I'm a great talker and to be quite frank, I mean, I say stupid shit all the time....................................................... ................................................... I don’t know what else to talk about in all honesty, it’s a beautiful day in Vancouver and you don’t get very many of those, ever............. I hate this city, I hate this city so much I can’t even enjoy it sometimes, at its most enjoyable times cause it's.... god it’s like..... I don’t know, its like living with someone really annoying, that just makes you cringe at everything you do and say.................... I don’t know........ its interesting cause, when I lived in Ontario I went from living in a relatively big city to a small town and the reason why we moved is because my sister who has developmental disabilities has mental disabilities, whatever you want to call them, s/he's, slow in other words, s/he.... my parents... my mother totally devout on his/her receiving the same education as every other person in, in, Canada, in Ontario, whatever, refused to have him/her put in special education and so, s/he found this school, this high-school um, ‘cause she got away with it for grade school but, you know, people were like, you cant put him/her in high-school class with everybody else, s/he pushed and when s/he couldn’t get his/her way, s/he researched and s/he found a school in Ontario that had a program where his/her kid could sit in class with everybody else and ...... we moved 100 kilometers west of Toronto to a place called Kitchener Waterloo and um........ Went to high-school there. It was a small town it was kind of like a German, English community and... actually I’m not a hundred percent sure of...but German, I mean the only city in all of Canada really, to celebrate Oktoberfest really, I mean, I’d, I didn’t even know what Oktoberfest was until, I lived in Kitchener and there, its a feast man, its a party, people are in the streets, its amazing, a better party then I've really seen in Vancouver...... although pedestrian Sundays are wonderful if they had them, in a different place at a different time so that you could go to different communities and just, you know, hang out and uh...... and....... the night of lost souls, I really like that parade as well...... I don’t know....... can’t remember what I was talking about, but it'll come to me........... Going to take the back alley and continue smoking this joint........................ I just feel so isolated here even though, this city is so small I can walk everywhere and its so small that I could know everyone and this city is so small that I could do everything and ... I just feel limited..... I feel like..... This place lacks a sense of community and generosity and camaraderie. I feel like, everyone feels like they’re in it on their own around here and it’s ‘cause they are it’s ‘cause nobody want to like, really...... huh... align themselves with anything, anything, a community, who gives a shit man, like when you're done with it you get up and you go...... but just build something, anything! And then as soon as you got something, anything, it’s like closed off and quartered and it’s a collective and not a community that has the possibility of growing and it’s a collective...as in, we collected these people and, we're not sharing them.... or ourselves................... I love this area, this like, Indigenous Co-op housing.... I love this area and I hate this area.... I live at Commercial and Broadway, I hate this place like, right on the corner, like, across the street from the Rio, Cinema........ And it’s so insane and so beautiful all at the same time. It’s schizophrenic, that's what this city is, and it’s fucking scizo-fucking-phranic..... Its drives me insane............ It’s so weird, part of me can never get used to this place, part of me can’t just, walk up to people and make friends cause they look at me, and just by the way I’m dressed, cause I don’t look like other people and I refuse to dress like a hipster, just ‘cause I’m in the art world and all of that, like, all of a sudden I’m some freak of nature............ and I like it when people are afraid of me but not to the point where they think I'm straight edge! Are you kidding?......... Have we lost our minds?.................. You can’t be straight edge and interesting........ Everyone is fucked up, we're all a little fucked up.... in our own ways..................... that’s the reality................ I’m going to j-walk across Clark...................... it’s a good time to...... oh shit................................................................................................. Oh Jesus!............... what is up with that? What is up with people stopping in the middle of the road here? Like honestly, if you just follow traffic bylaws, traffic laws whatever the fuck they're called, I've never driven a car but honestly? Like, I know how to j-walk man, I’ll wait! I’m not going to run in the middle of the road you don’t need to stop traffic at rush hour for me, honestly.......................................... you think you're doing me a favor but you're actually making me look like the biggest douche-bag............................................ .......................................................... I don’t know, if the heart and soul of the people that is Toronto..... Were to live here, fuck...... it would be a whole different scenario................. But that's how its works..... things work, you know, these, these things never work out the way you imagined them, in the real sense of... kind of, the balance of the universe and the reality of the situation..................... the balance of the universe says there is patriarchy that’s why women feel like shit! Balance of the universe says there is racism, that’s why people feel like shit.... balance of the universe is that we breed hatred...and violence...... and individuality, separation, disconnection........... We’ve made our mistakes along the way....................... Totally not thinking about...... talking right now, actually I should talk out loud I guess, that’s the whole point.. Um.... wondering, if I should, talk you all the way to the door?....... or talk.......... all the way....... to here basically, like, where do I stop?..................... I need my keys, that’s what I’m doing and there is a guy, camping in a tent in the park behind my building...