March 2nd - Brain Drain

So I'm on my walk home, this is March 2^nd …. Um....my feet are feeling great, I’ve been wearing sneakers , though, so, feeling old and granny like but, my feet feel great and that’s all that really matters at this point, um. Spent a bit of time at school today, most of my time was spent with… (*) , s/he needed a friend, that’s what friends are for. S/he’s a lovely human being, I don’t know, I love him/her. Just think s/he’s going through a rough time….. I love the smell of skunk, it reminds me of pot…… I wonder if the seawall’s open. You know, I was never one for stream of consciousness writing, I could never do that , I don’t feel I ever sound great when I… just write things down, in fact, most of the time I sound, I feel like I, even say ridiculous things but I think more about what I’m going to say then, um, what I’m going to write down and even then still I feel like most of the time I sound ridiculous…um…yeah…it’s interesting…it’s interesting… (*) and (<) are going through their own shit, I didn’t think, that it was like that. I don’t think they thought it was like that but its like that, and, that’s really interesting, I don’t know… I don’t know…I feel for him/her, I know what s/he’s feeling, I’ve been there, I remember how miserable it was. To encourage her to be with somebody s/he doesn’t want to be with, I just feel like, s/he needs his/her own time too and I feel s/he very aware of that so I think that that’s not that big of a problem, so.... S/he’s a level-headed individual, I like him/her a lot. S/he reminds me of my mom a lot, actually…………… The seawall, the seawall, I’m actually most uncomfortable walking along the seawall, ‘cause, people here walk, they hang around, they’re going slow enough to hear that I’m doing stuff that, you know. The side streets, there’s no one there, and the main streets its too loud for them to hear, and quite frank a lot of people talk to themselves….., so……. I have a recorder in my hand… and…. I wonder what people think though…I don’t know……………I don’t have much to say today, I feel brain drained to be quite frank , you know, even when I’m not going through the emotional shit , to watch a friend go through it, to be the shoulder while their going through this is quite… difficult in itself, its exhausting. Can’t imagine what it feels like for him/her, I mean I can, but you know, it’s just rough… Just brings me back to those days with my ex an how miserable I was, and how insecure I was, and how… much I loved him/her and hated her/him, all at the same time. Geez. And honestly I’m so glad we broke up, I’m so glad we didn’t conti…. I didn’t continue my life in that, fashion. Caught in something that was, horrendous. It’s so strange, you know, because everyone really liked him/her, everyone really like her/him, I remember my dad’s cousin. S/he told me that I would regret it, that I had a great thing and that I would regret giving it up. And it was like, you want it, you have that. But I can’t. I can’t live with it, it’s just too difficult. Its just to stressful, its just to confined, and…, assaulting on all my senses…I remember what it feels like to not feel like you have, permission to do things and to think that you have to have permission in the first place is annoying enough, and so damn…. Just takes me kind of back, a long ways actually and it was only three and a half years, that we were together, these guys have been together …. years… and… this is where we’re at, this is where s/he, they’re at. Its kind of…. It’s hard… I can’t imagine breaking up with (!)…… I can’t imagine it…………… It just been so much time… so much a part of my, like, reality…my norm………. Seven years is like a quarter of my life time… weird.............................................. This city is so nice and quiet….the hustle and bustle is over and not that I like a quite city, you know, I like a good time but…………. this city just doesn’t know how to have a god time…this city is caught up in anxiety…. and everybody and their grandma does yoga here and still the whole city is fucking anxious…I don’t know, its just too bazaar. I can’t handle that it’s just too much for me……………………………… God I’m so glad I’m walking , I felt like….., I mean….., yeah I felt disabled, I was going to say I felt like a cripple but, I don’t want to say things like that, I felt disabled. I felt confined… and honestly if I have crutches or something id feel better, about moving around with crutches although they’re awful, but having to sit at home, or at work, or whatever but confined to a space, that….. I realize that movement is really important to me… Flux, change, whatever the hell you want to call it but, stillness is not in my nature… maybe that’s why I’m with (!) its because stillness is in his/her nature. Not stillness in, you know a lack of movement kind of way, but… not even stillness but, like, calmness not the vigor, I don’t know, if (!) was still if s/he didn’t do much, that would drive me fucking bonkers, I would not be able to be with (!). I like the fact that s/he’s constantly moving, I like the fact that we’re constantly moving. You know its been a, almost a year and a half we’ve been in our apartment and we’re already talking about moving, and, I like that, I like talking a bout moving it actually really excites me…………..you know, when (*) tells me that s/he’s confined… that’s my biggest fear in a relationship, even with (!), even with somebody as cool as (!). I feel like, I can’t go and do my masters, while s/he’s here doing his/her bachelors, I feel like, I can’t go necessarily to certain residencies and certain things done, but I feel like… he understands that…….. not allowing for it, or making it difficult for it to happen, um…. Is not going to work to his benefit…… I think he realizes that… I don’t know if he does… I don’t know if, and honestly to see (*) and his/her partner going through what they are going through makes me wonder if I need to talk to him about these things…. If I need to sort my own shit out and see where we stand……. S/he’s incredible, no matter what I love him/her. Even though right now things are a little strange … and just physically… I don’t know what’s going on with us physically. We used to, we have been really in tune with each other, we’ve also been really out of tune with each other but, you know, for the most part its been good, and its not like we are fighting or arguing or whatever. I just feel like sometimes, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves, and part of it has to do with the fact that we’ve had problems before but there’s so much….. I don’t know, I don’t know, part of it has to do with me too, it really does….. It s 50/50 but I don’t know what to do either………. I smell incense, I love incense….I’m talking a little quieter today, yesterday I was barking, down the street, same street…. Well…one street down actually. I don’t know how I feel about this daily practice, I just really couldn’t think of anything else, but then when I mentioned it to (*) s/he said that…. That my projects were really moving along, I don’t know….. Sorry I’m just chewing my lip………………….. I um……… spoken to my mom a bit too, I love my mother s/he’s…..I think we’ve had this conversation before, she’s a little nuts but, I love him/her. I think s/he’s amazing, amazing wo/man, amazing human being…. It’s pretty fantastic…I had conversations with dad too……..dad…..dad………you know dad’s lonely, like (@). It’s so weird how with those two, mom and I and ({) it’s like the same relationship, with them, so strange, their like, exactly the same or something, I don’t know I love them though…. I know dad misses me…… I think this has been really good for him actually, he thought moving out was really good for me, but I think it was just as good for him, I think ….. we really…. Huh… had come to respect each other and now the appreciation is a million fold because we’re not in close vicinity……… but I think, um….. I feel like he admires me and I admire him……..I love my dad…………… I’ve been so focused on men lately… its interesting, you know what’s absolutely amazing is that I can talk to my partner about being attracted to other people, or um…. Being interested in … you know, um….. sort of, uh… I don’t know, just kind of like, finding other people interesting, having a crush on so-and-so, whatever and s/he’s really come to.. I mean at one point s/he was really self conscious and s/he thought that this meant that I would leave him/her or something , but, um…. s/he’s really, actually amazing in that s/he’s not self conscious of it at all….. um…… and doesn’t see it, although part of me… feels like this whole sex thing started when I asked for group sex…. And……. I don’t know, how I feel about that…. I don’t know, s/he didn’t say no… s/he didn’t freak out….s/he didn’t, you know, I just hope s/he doesn’t feel like…. I want to replace her/him, cause that’s not the case at all…. Or that, somebody else is going to satisfy me…………. ‘Cause that’s not the case either, quite frank, he does satisfy me, I just really want to… enjoy …. Huh……I really want to enjoy an exploratory …… sex life… and that’s cause, that’s just who I am…….. I’m exploratory, I have…a… really charged sexuality, I ….. I don’t know…..I just…. That’s who I am…..so many people are intimidated by that but like, what the fuck, like does it really matter, I think, I think I hope…. That he knows that it has nothing to do with his inadequacy ………………but I’m pretty happy with her/him…. I think I’m always going to have doubts, I think part of me feels like there isn’t a single person out there that I’m not going to have doubts, but I don’t doubt is how incredible (!) is…. And what I don’t doubt is how much s/he loves me… and what I don’t doubt is the fact that s/he….. has done everything to prove, his/her devotion to me and… I ….. that makes me feel incredible… and secure… and………….yeah…… I think the sex could be spiced up though……but….. I feel like… sometimes I do all the work….. you know, although, I don’t know we’ve had incredible sex in the past…. Maybe this is just recent, maybe it’s the universe and just what’s going on lately and, I don’t know… I don’t know what it is…… 50% of it is me though……….. Its interesting watching these relationships. I remember I did not like (#) very much when I first met him/her and now (*) and him/her are breaking up………………………………………………………………… (<) and (*) eh?....... hoo………… I’m not surprised, I knew that… they would like each other, why does this always happen?............. I don’t know why (&) was giving the construction guy a hard time…. s/he’s really kind of alpha-fe/male it over there, never seen her/him do that before…….. Its interesting…… Maybe its cause s/he’s got a wo/man in the house………..huh… its interesting….. Oooooow magnolia… beautiful….. oh I’m going to take one… so pretty…………. In my pocket…………….. we’ll see what happens…….. I don’t know,… it’s a little fucked up though, you know, it’s a little fucked up………….s/he hasn’t liked him/her for a long time…. Now that I think about it……. Its so weird….. seven years……….. I never thought I'd be with someone for seven years you know? And part of me is terrified of thinking about being the monogamous partner of one person for a really long time. It kind of freaks me out, I’m not interested, in, that sort of thing… hence the no marriage thing, which kind of freaks a lot of people out….. I mean my parents, they’ve come to terms with it I think, that there is no marriage, that you know, that’s not the type of person that I am……..its interesting that, ……… its interesting that….. people see things in me and think of them as extreme, but then they see them in other peoples and,….. its not so extreme….. I don’t know… I don’t know….. is that three cops just moseying down the street?..... that’s interesting….. I don’t know if they’re cops…..they look cop like though……… And I really didn’t want to make this part of my performance class, to talk about the class itself, um….. but…..i think its important to talk about performing…. I don’t know… so today….I actually added… pictures onto, my portfolio blog…. Called….. this is a violent gesture, photographs by (+)….um…… I like that …. I like the idea of performing and gesture……um…. I don’t know, I was looking through my performance with Margaret blog today and, I really like it! It’s a lot of fun…. There’s so much on there, that like, you know, I look through all that stuff but in time, but its like going back I’m like, oh ya! This idea of blogging, to me is amazing…I want to blog blogs, you know, I want to like list them off and, but honestly its just beautiful…. Looking at my own blog, I …… really liked it………………….. I especially liked, just, seeing, my work, up, doing something……………….. I don’t know, I picked up a camera, I make a lot of images, I really like it……huh…. I think its… I thinks its totally worth it.. I think it’s a great idea, and I should have started it sooner…. I also have to start following… (*)’s blog……………………………………………………… Just hoofing it up the street….. huh…… so glad to be back on my feet again……. So glad…. I need to clip my toenails though…. These sneakers are tight….. I need to get back on the bike too. I want a better bike, my god do I ever want a better bike…. I think it would make a world of a difference….oh, pocket full of magnolia…….. its like 8:15….. got to go to school early tomorrow, got to meet (%) at noon……….. Oh (-)……. Oh (-)….. you know, I love that kid but s/he’s a douche bag at the same time…… comes over kisses kisses, kisses, kissing my ass………. Those guys just looked at me…..see I told you , I told you , I look like a freak with a recorder to my mouth…. Like I’m some sort of writer or something…. Except one of those, I take myself too seriously writers……. God…. People think I’m that kind of artist too….oh, take myself way too seriously artist…… brutal that girl tripped over a piece of stone… that could kill someone….. no but really……. Huh… Western Front…. You know I’m excited for school ending.. I’m excited.. I told my boss that I was going to stay hopefully on full time for a while, which, you know, means that (^) goes upstairs which is what I want, s/he was happy when I told him/her….. but I also think s/he doesn’t believe them……. I’m glad me and (^) have a realistic relationship with each other we’re not buddy buddy, but if everyone else can build an alliance in that place you better believe we are too…. For a long time s/he was the lonely solider and now s/he’s not, s/he’s got someone keeping an eye on her back and I don’t know how important s/he thinks that is but I do know, that, after giving her application to school to be an administrator there… or, um……. To tell him/her that I told her/him that I was staying… so that they would take him/her upstairs…. You know, hopefully this all means a little something…. She also knows that I’m out of there, as soon as I have a better opportunity as well, also………. I hope they get him/her up there fast, I’m not sticking around for ever……. Maybe just long enough to make some money…………………………………. Interesting though……………. Interesting though………….. I think (#) knows its over,…………………………………….. I feel bad for her/him, just like I felt bad for (?). But you know, the longer you are without that person, the more and more clear it becomes that, you didn’t want to be with that person in the first place…… Its just the way it is sometimes you know…………… huh………… I don’t have anything profound to say……………… not that I ever do……………. um……………. yeah……. brain drain……………. Bicycle with light.... blinking…. I don’t know, I don’t know. How stream of consciousness do we get with this….. Loud car……………… mountains…. But only the lights, but I know they’re the mountains…………….this is ridiculous sometimes, sometimes I think that I do ridiculous things, and then people tell me that they think they’re great and then I’m like no actually they’re pretty ridiculous…… pretty ridiculous……. I need to get, feminist literature……. I need to…..borrow some books………….from…………the library……… ummm…………. I’ll wiki feminist movement or something, feminist literature…………… running………… and start running again… I need to clip my freaking toe nails, these sneakers are driving me nuts. Not only are they ugly but my toes are mashed up……….. So Weird though I was telling ({) that my horoscope um…. Said that I was going to be off my feet and resting forcefully and…. There we go. Didn’t do my gold drips… I don’t know, I don’t know……. There’s other things that needed to be done I guess, like….. sitting on my ass………. I love (!)…………………… uh……………….huh…………………………….. I can understand why s/he wouldn't want to talk to (!)…. Bad shoes……. Its…… common sense… he and (!) aren’t exactly close they work together, and.. whatever……. Its strange……….. but co-workers are co-workers….. huh.. I want to move.. these apartments are so kind of, cozy looking…like the way I would like to live.. like this beautiful…. rose……………………. Ya I want a new apartment………. I don’t understand… some… things… that …. (&) … says and does… you know, like…..um…. acting like this (.) girl/boy is his boy/girlfriend but then when I make a little remark, totally being like, no that’s not it… like, isn’t it? Cause that’s the signal you're giving, and then saying things like, this place really feels like home… and …stuff like that like, I don’t know, I don’t know….. maybe I just over analyze everything, the fact of the matter is that s/he’s cool and that you now, I'm sure s/he wont let anything get out of hand……………… almost home…. I can kind of see home………………. Yeah I definitely need to cut the toes nails….shoes are so tight… A lot of people are out today, its fucking warm and beautiful!......... I was looking at the Café Deux Soleil….. um….. mural…. Deux Soleils mural on Commercial Drive today, and man is it an excellent mural, I don’t know who they got to do it but its just really lovely… the two suns, one rising one setting that beautiful garden in the middle. Just lovely really loved it actually…. And its funny cause sometimes you don’t stand far enough to be able to see it and then sometimes its just like…. Bam!.....i like that …. The bam…………………I want to move… huh… maybe not this summer though…….. we’ll see… we’ll see what (&) says and does…. We’ll see…………………….. my feet hurt…………………………………………………………………… that guy was eating Kentucky Fried Chicken………. Its strange I've been thinking about meat a lot……………. I don’t know….i don’t know how I feel about meat but, I’ve been thinking about it a lot… even craved it a few times…….. I’m afraid to … huh…..go back to eating meat actually……….. its really strange feeling…. Ummm.. it tastes so good… but, I remember feeling so bad…….. when I ate it… sometimes.. you know…. I don’t know if I can do that I don’t know if I can feel so bad…….you know…….. huh……….yay I'm back on my feet….. walking…. Makes such a difference…….. I feel so good…… I felt like I had gained ten pounds in the past two weeks…………… I don’t know…. Part of me feels really good about my bod……… part of me feels really not so good about my bod…….. so…… I have to just stop drinking coffee too…I’ve been on this coffee binge lately….. it’s a no no………. but ya… its cause nowhere else’s chai is as good as….. Granville…… Tea Company…. Its just fucking amazing there… I cant have it anywhere else………………. Oow I like how this car looks all sparkly…… just full of bead so of water and this truck is so graffitied up that so hilarious… I love graffiti….. man I love Montreal for its graffiti….. not graffiti but like murals……………… Toronto’s a little to business for that…. Its funny everybody’s back to school…. The caf ’s got the lights on again in the evening…. Hm……… I like it…………… should make tonight… its not even that difficult… just need to chop everything up………. KookooHoooo.. before it goes bad you know……………………………………………. Hoo…. Up the hill……………………………………………… ……………………………………………. I don’t know if it was a bad idea to tell (*) not to drink so much and smoke so much…. While s/he’s going through a rough time………. But….. I walked in there to one and a half empty bottles… of alcohol… I think its necessary….. its interesting too the swapping of the dresses……………. How he got the tight one and she got pretty much a mu-mu………….. she wants nothing more than to be free… I remember that… its doesn’t take long either.. between the time that, the straw broke the camel’s back to the time that you’re like… bye….. She’s going to tell him tonight………………………………… I don’t know its interesting……. Reminds me of my break up…………. Makes me wonder if I'm ever going to break up with (!).. and how hard that going to be, its already bee seven years……………………………. I don’t know I like him a lot … still….. he means the world to me…. Still……… I don’t think that’s changing any time quickly…. No matter what anyone says really… I'm comfortable with him……….. he’s comfortable with me…………….. although I kind of envy (*), when she says that she’s found someone to talk cameras with and go on little adventures with, although… huh…. (!)’s up for adventures… I'm the one that’s like, no lets stay at home……… he is definitely up for adventures………. I want to get on the bike….. the bike excites me………I just want a better bike…… uhhhhh.. I'm going to talk to (<) actually, see if there’s a good wo/men’s road bike frame back there………………I think it would be great… and then sell the bike I have….. I need a digital camera…………………………………… ……………… cheaper show and fabrication, although I don’t really have anything for fabrication, but, I want to have something for fabrication……….. I don’t know what though……………. And the animal one……….. I would have loved to have done my budgie show but you know, whatever that was then and this is now, its kind of never getting done… maybe… maybe………….. maybe……… ………………….I could do it on a smaller scale…..possibly I don't know though, you know….. anyway………..I'll consider it………………….. I'm excited at the thought of moving… I’ve seen (") a few times at school again.. and……. Its interesting… its interesting……………………. And you know.. I put um,……… interesting also, that (>) would…. So …. Obviously say hello to me… while (") was there.. I wonder, I wonder if (") has said anything to (>) of even if he will…………. I don’t have my keys….iIhope they’re in my back pack… I'm home.. daffodils.