Second Installment

Ok so... this my second um.......... my second sort of installment of my daily practice its been a few days, I think today's March 1st... um... but I've had a problem with my foot and um...I haven't been able to walk home and, I haven't been doing this at home, a lot's been going on. The Olympics just passed, um... Just sitting in class and kind of, every time I have to explain my work, I... I... uh...I remember things that were important and um... I was just about to catch the bus but, remembered something important and, was thinking of writing it down but then I thought well daily practice and uh.... and uh... might as well just speak it into my digital recorder.... um... I was thinking about my Hundred People Born In America series and today somebody asked me why I don’t show the degration of the grays and, I remembered why I started the project in the first place, and how I felt that repetition muddied things, and that, you know, a lot of people feel like repetition reinforces things but I felt like repetition actually obscured things, made them.. um... made them iconic without being, distinguishable? I guess? I don't know, huh... its like... It all kind of started with the image of (!), and how I felt that, or the image of the (#), and how I felt that, you know, the image of these people are so recognizable, that the only thing that comes to mind is their name sometimes, you don’t even really know who they are and what they stood for.... especially the image of (!), cause at one point just a few years a go everybody and their grandma was wearing that iconic image on their t-shirt... and uh... I felt like no... very few people few people actually , including myself, knew... his story, the story. I mean obviously it's not one story, but, the dynamics.. it’s been simplified, its been neutralized its been, appropriated, commodified, hollowed out, and that to me is interesting, the image of ($) is already hollow is already.... is already so ... um...full of.... full of no meaning, actually. I don't know how else to put it, like there’s, you know, what do people think when they see the image of ($)? Idiot, asshole, United States President, conservative, Republican, like, whatever, but like the idea of ($) is so abstract now that it could actually be, you know, appropriated by anything. I think that's the danger with these images, and the importance of these images is that when an image becomes hollow, or vague or abstract or whatever, that you can kind of fill it with your own meaning, turn it into a tool. (%) gave an amazing talk about artist as tool, at uh.. Western Front talk, and then s/he proceeded to give a blow job to a bar of Pears soap and, that to me, you know, really resonated, and in the tools of visual culture, in these iconic images... I said to (:) they're iconic even though they're... even though they're indistinguishable and unrecognizable, they're still iconic, you know, images are repeated they're paralleled, by the same sort of people, (?), (/), you know, its been... its been so solidified that, you know, you know, the image even if its not the person that you think it is, you know, you know (?) looked like (/) at one point, and purposely did that. Its interesting to me, its interesting to me that...that.... these icons.... are replaceable with very similar icons and presented as individuals even celebrities, people who are are somebody.. people that are so individual that they would be recognized anywhere...and yet they are replaceable, by somebody else, whose just going to come and fill that hole, fill that hollow iconic image of the blonde sex symbol. It's kind of fascinating to me actually, you know, the revolutionary black man, you know, (x), (.), get mistaken for each other, really interesting, I ... I'm actually, a little umm.... fascinated to see how people react to this, just like I was fascinated to see how people react to the Impression series, or.... the...the.... Transcriptions or the Blueprinted body, like, I'm not interested in the photograph. I'm interested in the reaction to the photograph. I'm interested in, the outcome of the visual knowledge experiment....and I don’t know, I just feel like, sometimes, I loose sight of what’s going on and sometimes I... I don’t, you know, I feel like I forgot where this gray Hundred People Born In America came from and now....I don’t know... I don’t know... over the break, the fire of this Hundred People Born In America, kind of sparked again, I mean its a tedious project and I just feel like sometimes I loose interest and want to actually abandon it, but, its important and, you know I thought, during the whole (.) election that it was so potent and that it lost its potency, but I realized after putting a few of those images together, that actually its just as potent as it's always been, and actually, I don’t know if its ever going to loose its potency cause in fact, this is always going to be relative (relevant), I’m not talking about now and I'm not talking about the past, I’m talking about...I'm talking about... the future actually, and how things repeat themselves, and how repetition muddies things. Even in tactics, you know, we have the same tactics of protest, and they don’t do anything... they don’t, change, they don’t revolutionize the way that they used to....its not radical behavior anymore, its not radical to protest in the streets with placards and I think we need to be creative and imaginative and think of .... different methods that, are going to, be as radical and revolutionary as the protest was, when it had an effect....when it.... when it, people identified with.... the gesture, of....you know, a demonstration, a march, whatever. I think that,.....you know, the powers that be have, adapted quite well to these strategies and new strategies need to be thought of...and we ....can look at our past as a reference point, in fact what’s most important, I think right now is, imagining alternatives, imagining...the unimaginable, which is kind of.... a reality that is different from this reality and not....so........far out that it cant.... work its way into the fabric of what already exists. the tiniest gestures, sometimes have the largest impact, and if we can just, ........... if we can just, manipulate gestures, um..............so that..........not manipulate gestures, if we can shift intentions so that, the intention of most people um.......is good will and generosity.......love....essentially, creativity....creation, love is creation..... I think, we would be...in a completely different place, but, intention.....I don’t know, the intention.....have been turned....into what's profitable...you know, the....the general intention of things is what is most beneficial or profitable to that person or those group of people, or that community or whatever, and I think that success.... translated into profit, or profits translated into success is...um... is a sort of............ false gain.. I think profit is a false gain.........um........yeah....I also realize my interest in community, and how, I’ve put a lot of emphasis on.... collective, sort of gestures and consciousness and, I've been looking for my material in a very collective sort of way...um.... and I think that I'm really interested in the community, speaking on behalf of themselves...um....as people having voice on behalf of themselves...speaking on behalf of ones self, in a way that.... huh.... is comprehensible. Um...... for everyone, and, in a way that... is.. sort of unedited, and I want to archive.....people's experiences, not in an objective way, like, I don’t want to say unedited cause, actually I don’t want to give.... the... sort of appearance of objectivity, not interested in objectivity and in fact I’m very interested in subjectivity and I think that’s what I want to collect is people's subjectivities... umm.......because I feel like, collective conscious, is played out before us, kind of all the time, ...um.....but we've become, numb to it....um.............numb in the sense that..... you know, .....sometimes I don’t remember hearing...um....the things that I have picked out in these conversations as being tensions, as being, revealing, as being, um.........truisms of the collective conscious…… You know, that aren’t actually truisms, but they're so normalized in our....uh.. everyday lives that, they become, truisms they become things that people um.... allow themselves to say and communic... to believe and to, and to communicate and acknowledge, as being…. true............ I think that, that's pretty...... uh, complicated when you think about the affects that it has on the people who live in those societies, who relate to these truisms….um….but….huh…..but it’s not true, you know, like, Middle Eastern people are violent, like……. I don’t know….. women are weak……… I don’t know…… um………it’s actually… I don’t …. I don’t… I don’t want to seem judgmental either, I don’t want to seem like I judge, what other people do.... in their most minute of gestures.... you know, its like, I've had people say that they feel like they are under the microscope, when they’re around me because, …..you know, I have a fascination with these sorts of things but actually……my fascination is not with what is…. Necessarily said… or done…. Or…. My fascination is with…. Um………… that moment, of…… of critical engagement…. Um… you know…. Huh… you know… when….you’re in a crowd and and you’re having a really good time and then something happens, …. And you don’t feel right about it…. Or…. All of a sudden you don’t agree with what’s going on….lets say that you’re at a protest, for example, and… you’ve gone there with peaceful intentions, and a fight breaks out and, all of a sudden, or um….. hateful slogans start getting chanted, and its all of a sudden like, wait a minute, I… I don’t agree with this, and it’s like, that moment of realizing that, that even when you support something, that um…..it needs to be kind of viewed with critical eye at times. I think that moment is really…..important…. and………… yeah its really important, that moment, that moment in (=)’s lecture when you realize, what was going on…. And that it was all tied together… and that there was no..., that everybody understood….in very simple terms….I like that moment… My father said the other day, when it comes to thinking about Western dominance, that you know, talking about colonization, um…. In the sense that its still happening and that, um…. It still has effects on people, um… he said that, that in itself is a, a mechanism of colonization. Of making it more powerful than it actually is…um…. And giving them the credit of having….. fucked us all up, basically….um… it actually empowers the movement… actually empowers the… ideology, cause it.. it’s a, see they were successful in, stripping us of all our…..identity or whatever, I…… I don’t……you know, the moment he said that, it made me think really critically, even about, you know, reading Foucault. I love Foucault, I don’t know, most people might run away from Foucault, I love him… I think his work is incredible and I feel like, he ……….. he deduces things quite nicely, and his, um…. His logic is quite… accessible to me….I don’t know.. I don’t know…. Other than that, other than that, my friends are crazy. I will… I have uh…… I have a tendency of attracting really interesting people with really, sort of dynamic characters and um…. Hooooo…. On the one hand, its fantastic, on the other hand, wow man. And I don’t know, I feel like sometimes I am the keeper of secrets and I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do…. With all these secrets it feels a little overwhelming at times, cause, huh………… having people reveal themselves to you is a responsibility….um… that you kind of carry…….. huh…………………………………..I miss being known, not like, known, you know, like famous known, cause… I’m definitely not famous but, known, like, people who’ve known me for……. A few years, people who’ve met my family, people who know where I come from, people who have a background understanding of kind of, who I am as a person. That when I say, you know, my sister this, or my mother that,….. that they know….cause I share my family with, with everyone. I think my family is amazing, so dynamic and insane and huh… generous and loving and chaotic and maddening. I just feel like, ………… like watching people interact with my family….tells me more about those people then……. Years of having those people interact with me…….. I don’t know, especially my older sister, s/he’s…. my gauge…… I gauge everyone with him/her. S/he can spot you true being from a mile away, it’s really interesting… it’s really interesting………… Oh……. I’m already at Main……………………. Gosh am I glad the Olympics are almost over, you know I grew up in a big city, and… I love people, and I love people who… you know, have a sense of community and camaraderie, and have a sense of collective, and….the past two weeks Vancouver has had a sense of collective, ….but in the most twisted ways!… it’s weird man. This environment sometimes, really trips me out, its just like, are you kidding me?….Even when everyone’s celebrating, you’re going to be violent? you’re going to be aggressive? You’re going to be drunk? And in people’s face? That to me is extreme behavior, not… other things……………………………………………….I'm happy its over………………. I kind of love walking down this street…………………. I also hate it at the same time…………… its so insane, that my foot hurts for the entire Olympics, that I can't do what I wanted to do, cause I couldn’t even take a step without, riling in pain and then as soon as the Olympics are over, my foot is kind of back to normal. Its like I was destined to stay at home, and, do nothing, and fuck! I hate doing nothing, I mean its not that I did nothing, of course, I did a lot, but… not super excited about it, I don’t know…. It’s fucked up…… I have to submit to the cheaper show fuck!….. I have to take a photo of my image…….. I will.. It’ll happen.. it will happen………………………………. you know, I wanted to submit my, like, new cyanotypes, but I’m almost thinking of submitting my body cyanotypes, I mean I have a few of them, they already exist, I just need to document it and lay it out flat……. I think that’s what I’m going to do………… I think for me its what makes sense…………………..I need to, kind of, look at the work that I’ve already made, as being just as valid as the work, that I’m making and that I’m going to make. I’m always so done with things, I don’t really want to go back to them,….. but there’s something to be said…. For work that I invested in….phah… for a while… you know? Cant wait until (^) gets his/her dress that little ballerina bitch…. S/he’ll look so hot………… I want to know what s/he thinks… I really didn’t give him/her a hint at all as to what it was… I think s/he’ll like it… its kind of going to match what s/he….already likes but, super fancy super chic…… part of me is tired, like, uber tired…………….. I don’t know what I'm going to do with these…. If I don’t end up doing them as my daily practice, I think its really, kind of unusual for me to do this but although they say thirty days builds a habit and I’ve been told to…. Huh… record myself or write down what I say or whatever a few times. Apparently, I'm a lot more profound when I talk then I am when I….write and um………. So I'm…..talking. Today, I said something about,…….um…. about um…………….cant remember, like, …… about grounding ourselves in our traditional self? (:) really liked that…. That Guatemalan guy is really interesting s/he’s presented some really, kind of, interesting things… I don’t know.. I like… I love watching people blossom…. I’m going to miss that about school…… about… watching people grow…. I want so bad to be a teacher… I want so bad to teach art…………… I want to be the next ({)…. I love her/him……… I love ({)………………………………… …………………………………….. I wonder if the full moon is over……………. I wonder if (*) is ok……………… s/he’s gone through a rough time….. and I don’t really know what to do, the last time I tried to help, in…. a sort of awkward situation in somebody else’s relationship, I just … I don’t know……I find it interesting, that (W)) has been reinforcing his/her presence.... I think s/he is pleased by the idea of um.... creating anxiety in me......I wonder why, I mean I know why, its actually competition, I feel like its competition, but I mean , and don’t get me wrong I feel quite competitive towards her/him myself, um.... but its like, not healthy, its not healthy competition, in fact its really unhealthy and its even kind of scary and feel kind of at threat sometimes, and not that I'm actually at threat, I mean I don’t... I don’t know....the last time s/he and I met face to face I felt threatened. I don’t feel that threatened anymore but then, s/he's making his/her presence known to me, which feels threatening.......... it could just be him/her reaching out to communicate, I have no clue, but why would s/he want to do that? S/he got what s/he waned, which was for me to be absent in his/her life and in her/his partner's life, and that's what I've been so why come at me? you know? why put your foot in the door again? Like, just let this close and let us forget it and... huh..... just forget I exist, you know, why?....................... I don’t know, I don’t even think about (@), I mean I do but I don’t, you know? I do because, its (@), I... huh...... I love him/her, I love a lot of things about him/her, um.... but... I'm uh.... not really interested at all in being friends, I'm actually quite fatigued by the idea and so the idea of not having, her/him around to fatigue me is nice.... I mean I don’t even miss him/her, you know, sometimes you're in a fight with someone and you miss them so much, cause, you do.... and I don’t miss him/her, I don’t miss her/him and I don’t miss (^) and that kind of seems crazy to me cause at one point, I felt like I couldn’t even live without (@) and at one point I felt so close to (^) and I just feel like.... there's nothing really to it anymore, there's no interest or investment and I totally, I'm talking about on my part cause, puh..... I don’t know, I think both of them have shown very, sort of, um... minute and and unmoving and unconvincing ways that they might be interested in being friends and I don’t know, its doesn’t really interest me. I feel like they wasted a lot of my time, and a lot of my energy and resources, I spent, what I was willing to part with on them... and..... I... was left with ... feelings of insecurity and....a feeling... that I was unappreciated................................. like a bad relationship, just like I told (^) its like a bad relationship...... oh (*)............ I don’t know, but s/he plans on doing with him/herself cause I feel like puh... s/he’s struggling and the worst is relationship struggle, oh and.. it just tears my insides..... I ... I know s/he's hurting ..... and I know s/he's freaking out and, s/he tries to be tough and s/he tries to be in control and s/he's totally not... and sometimes you just have to admit, you know, you're out of control when it comes to feeling like this, like you cant control this feeling you know, .... huh...... do I think him/her and his/her man are or her/his ex-man whatever, should be together? I feel like, ........ I feel like I don’t know very much about the relationship. But I feel like, at one point they were invested enough in each other to get engaged and um....... I know that was not a light step for either of them.... and so.... a year later, for them to be so.... or two years later, its it two years already? a year? anyway for them to be so at odds right now...... is crazy, although that’s what separation does, you know, its allows us to taste something different for half a second and honestly if that half a second wasn't satisfying in itself, well the other side of the grass just seems so....... shinny brilliant emerald green....... in comparison to your dull..... patchy.... brown..... side.................I'll be so happy when the choppers stop flying overhead of us..... those are planes but, there's a chopper somewhere...................................................... puh..... this group assignment thing... wow...... you know... (&) wow..... you know... I don’t know what I think of people like her/him. On one hand I understand the importance of networking with such people on the other hand, sometimes his/her behavior to me is questionable, on the other hand s/he is an incredible human being and has done really remarkable things, and I admire um...... I admire that... I admire her/him on the one hand and on the other I really ... I don’t know.... s/he kind of disappoints me....you know, you know, like, I don’t know.... I don’t really want to use that kind of language anymore, this notion of being disappointed by someone, I guess what I want to say is that its unexpected..... I didn’t expect that.... s/he would behave certain ways and maybe you know, my expectations.... disappointed me.... I think that’s what it is... I think my expectations um..... disappointed me..... I don’t want to say people disappointed me.. cause actually, people don’t disappoint me..... I don’t know,,, my mom used to say and dad that I make excuses for people but um..... I don’t know, I feel like part of me wants to be able to imagine... um..... a reality in which um.... someone's unexpected behavior, behavior that I may not necessarily consider rational, is rationalized and I think that everybody has a moment in which they feel like they are behaving rationally but in fact, they’re not or they could be perceived as not or whatever you know what I’m saying? Like, we perform some incredibly um…. Irrational sort of actions, carry out very irrational actions under the impression that we are being totally rational and that it all makes sense and in fact the same person, can even think completely differently at some point, that their rationalization’s completely irrational and, I mean I’ve been there, um….. and I think that huh, I think that we even disappoint ourselves, that there’s certain things that we expect of ourselves that we disappoint ourselves on and that, I don’t necessarily think is to be judged, I think its part of everyone’s being and if you want to judge every person on a disappointment or a … or a… or whatever that you’re kind of assuming that you don’t make the same mistakes and I feel like everybody… makes the same mistakes in one way or another……. There not mistakes they’re just… actions that , lead to undesired……. Consequences, cause consequences can be good and bad um… but undesired results…………… it’s been an interesting week man, speaking to (+) and realizing that (-) has….Puh…..(-) has a way of sexually assaulting people with his/her words, is really fucking interesting to me… like, …… s/he has a very specific way of communicating, that seems so aggressive and so huh… almost violent…… that even when s/he’s being…… sexual and even when s/he’s feels like s/he’s communicating in his/her desire to be tender and uh…. Loving with someone that it comes off as…. Huh.. an assault an act of violence….. I think …. That, that is puh…. Really interesting.. I think that that is really interesting... I wish, that I could communicate this to her/him… I wish that I could tell him/her, …….. that her/his, that his/her words are violent…..I don’t know if that makes any sense and honestly who the fuck am I to tell him/her that but you know, its not that this is my observation, its that this what people even him/herself have told me, that people feel assaulted by his/her, her/his words and that s/he has been accused of sexual harassment, sexual assault, because of his/her words before and then to have (+) describe love letters as sexual assault, and as making her/him feel really uncomfortable, that, is really interesting to me. Given the dynamic of this person and the fact that sometimes no matter what s/he says people, are insulted or affected in negative ways by it just , is a little……. I don’t know what it is a little….its just interesting its just interesting that, that, that (-)'s language is assaulting, even when its loving, that that’s how its viewed……..funny huh? Funny in the weirdest way though… like this is, like this gesture, like this is a violent gesture………………………………fuck. I’m running across the street I got to not run! I’m not supposed to run, huh…. And I’ve been running a lot today actually. I don’t know I’m not really nice to my feet, although as I said as soon as the Olympics are over my feet are back in shape…it might have to do with the fact that I have been wearing running shoes for the past few days but honestly, what the fuck………………………… The lack of yoga bothers me too, even though I don’t want to see (^), like, I need to get back into practice, not……. Not for my body’s sake but, more so for my mind’s sake….. huh……huh… the blossoms smell like candy. I cant wait to take a walk with (~) on Thursday, to that street that’s absolutely lined with cherry trees, just stand under and smell that sweet sweet candy smell…… Not sugar, its not sugar, its like, kind of like what cotton candy smells like from a distance, like a, what a Mentos strawberry….a, a, strawberry flavored Mentos might taste like, like, kind of subtle but, not subtle at all and uh… intoxicating…. God I love fruit Mentos….. maybe I’ll get a pack tomorrow….. I’m a couple blocks away from the house………………….. oh (*)!……………….. That’s not him/her, for half a second I thought it was…………. For half a second it could have been………………. Huh……. A block away from home…… I’m tired… I’m glad the weather is warm, I’m glad I’m getting oxygen………………………………………. Oh (*)…………………. Just walking past his/her place……. I guess that’s why s/he’s so on my mind………………. My body’s , feeling tired……. Can’t even remember if I made plans this week…………… Meeting with (:) this week, I don’t know what we’ll meet about….. I don’t know what to talk to him/her about…….. although, I don’t know, something about (:) makes a lot of sense to me…. I say that a lot recently eh? Something about this or that makes a lot of sense to me………………. Interesting use of words. Well, here we are….. ta ta for now.